That is partly due to the fact that there is very little preparation today from the outside world for the sort of reality a marriage reveals. The society we live in today is largely comprised of self-focused relativistic human beings who naturally and instinctively prefer to flee from the pressures and discomfort of reality in general let alone the sort of reality a marriage reveals. So it is no surprise that rather than prepare us for marriage our society tends to actually deter us from it instead. And the same can be said for the entertainment music and advertising industries as well since they are also largely comprised of those who subscribe to the same mindset.
In general it is because of the inward spiritual corruption of the human heart that human beings are so naturally instinctively and illogically repulsed by reality. It unsettles us precisely because it brings us both into conflict with our own individual need for necessary often impossible change and therefore our indisputable need for the Savior. We dislike change of any kind to begin with but especially where it most concerns our own individual need for moral and spiritual development. As such the problem with marriage is that among other things it forces us to take a good hard look at ourselves in the mirror, to see ourselves for who we really are, so we can recognize our own dire need for personal development (and thus a need for the savior) and want to repent.
But the mirror that marriage forces us to look into is not some mirror of our own design. It is not one that we can easily manipulate or control (at least for the most part. There are always exceptions). The mirror that we are forced to look into in marriage is that of another human being, one that is as frail and selfish as we are, one that will never leave our side even if we want them too (if they have committed themselves as they promised to in their initial vows). And that is the perplexity of the marital relationship, that we must look into the living mirror of our spouse day in and day out and see ourselves for who we really are whether we like it or not.
Now from the very beginning we were created to reflect our Maker, to multiply and fill the earth with His image and likeness. And as such (whether we like it or not) we each naturally reflect the person or thing we most focus our attention upon. That is to say we ultimately resemble whatever we love, adore, fixate on or give our selves to. And in the case of marriage you have two human beings joined together each resembling the other for better and for worse as they co-habitate with each other day in and day out.
Worse still is the fact that each does more than just resemble the other. Over time they will also reveal to each other the quality (or lack thereof) and degree of the other's character. And this is especially evident in the heat of an argument where each typically attempts to "appropriate" the other's perceived faults as a means of "winning" said argument or in an attempt to deter from or deflect the other's argument against them. Now add to this the permanence of the marital agreement and you are just beginning to get a taste of what marriage has the potential to do to a person mentally emotionally psychologically and spiritually especially if either or both parties are not prepared for it.
Now as I said before each spouse is meant to serve as a permanent lasting sanctifying reflection of who we really are whether we know it or not or like it or not. And this is for the express purpose of shaping us into the man or woman that we were originally created to be to begin with. Really this is the purpose of any and every extra familial relationship that we might have as far as the Creator is concerned. It is just that the life long commitment we make in marriage which ultimately cultivates actual intimacy serves to make it a far more effective means of personal purification than say a really deep friendship that we can still technically arbitrarily write off any reason we like any time we like.
And that is why in my own personal opinion so many marriages fail today. We do not typically recognize the value or the purpose of the sort of permanence or life long commitment upon which a healthy marriage is built to be effective. In general we prefer to live without conflict. You will rarely meet a person who knowingly looks to be uncomfortable unless perhaps they are a masochist at heart. And that is exactly what conflict generally does. It breeds discomfort. And ironically enough as strange and disconcerting as it is for the majority of us to accept, that is precisely what a marriage does. It breeds continual often mutual personal discomfort. It breeds discomfort precisely because it is in fact a conflict, an epic lifelong conflict of the will between two equal opposing forces.
And that is why in my own personal opinion so many marriages fail today. We do not typically recognize the value or the purpose of the sort of permanence or life long commitment upon which a healthy marriage is built to be effective. In general we prefer to live without conflict. You will rarely meet a person who knowingly looks to be uncomfortable unless perhaps they are a masochist at heart. And that is exactly what conflict generally does. It breeds discomfort. And ironically enough as strange and disconcerting as it is for the majority of us to accept, that is precisely what a marriage does. It breeds continual often mutual personal discomfort. It breeds discomfort precisely because it is in fact a conflict, an epic lifelong conflict of the will between two equal opposing forces.
It is a life long contest between the reality we naturally reject and the ideology we naturally crave. It is a war of the will between a human being and their Maker as He naturally reveals Himself to them in the way that he has created the natural universe to function around them. But it is also a battle of the mind, one where the desire for true intimacy squares up against the fear and dread of it, where the need to be "fully known and fully loved" by others (as my friend Holly would say) takes its stand against the natural drive to escape from others into the deepest recesses of our own personal solitude. And oddly and ironically enough the only real victory that comes about in this sort of competition is our willful surrender in it not our resistance to it.
And it is in this one crucial aspect, that marriage perfectly mirrors the relationship we have with God as believers. For just as it is not the "victor" who defeats reality but the "loser" who accepts it that is truly victorious in the marital relationship, so it is not the Christian who resists the will of God but the one who accepts it that is truly victorious in their relationship with Him. That is to say, it is not the one who holds out the longest or who is the most stubborn or resolved to be un-corrected who is actually victorious in marriage. It is the one who genuinely humbly even joyfully surrenders the most willingly to the "correction" of reality as it confronts them in their human spousal counterpart, who truly "wins"in marriage.
And the same is true of the Christian walk. The spiritually mature believer in Christ does not flee from Spiritual reality. They embrace it wholeheartedly. They accept their natural inability to please God on their own, they recognize their inescapable need for the continual application of God's saving work in Christ on their behalf. They know where they'd be without His love and His sacrifice. They know the constant revelation of their failure is only a reflection of the reality that they will always need Christ. And they not only accept that. They are grateful for it and rejoice in it because they know they need it.
And that is also how it is in a healthy marrital relationship. Our mutual failure to love the other as we have promised is indicative of our mutual need for not only each other's sacrificial love but also the sacrificial love of the One who made us as well. In the institution of marriage God the source of all wisdom and knowledge accommodates to us the natural finite means whereby we may now see our mutual need for Him and other people. And that is why I opened this piece by saying that a broken marrital relationship is really an indication of a natural albeit often unrecognized rejection of reality.
For in marriage we are daily faced with an inescapable question and a choice. Are we going to look into the mirror that God has provided for us with our own choosing and accept the reflection they reveal to us? Or are we going to shut our eyes to the truth they reveal and demonize them instead? Are we going to attempt to break the human counterpart we've committed ourselves to until the reflection staring back at us is more appealing to our ego than it was? Or are we going to look with humility and adjust as we are led by the Spirit of God himself? Are we going to cover the inadequacy they expose to us with a metaphorical fig leaf we have created for ourselves? Or are we going to accept the reality they present to us in our marital relationship to them? Are we going to flee into the arms of some fleeting temporal fantasy or accept the tangible reality presented to us in our spouse? Are we going to fight the truth every step of the way to our mutual harm or lay down and surrender to it for the sake of our mutual benefit? The choice is up to us if we are married. But we should always know this, and know it well. Whatever we choose, in the end the reality will ALWAYS win.
In general we all need to resist the temptation to have your own way especially at the cost of reality. But husbands I am especially talking to you as one myself. As a husband we often think that our wife is called to submit to us and we are only called to lead them. But that is only half true because we are called to submit as well. We are called to submit to God in Christ as HE leads our family. And we are called to submit to the Word of God as He instructs us through it. We are called to submit to the institution of marriage itself so we can be malleable and useful to Him in it. And to that end we are also called to submit to the practical reality He reveals to us daily through our spouse so we do not get in the way of His leading in our family. Any leader who doesn't think that he has to submit to God or His word is sadly and sorely mistaken. For the true essence of being human is being in submission to and dependent on the One who made us. And it is because we fail to see that as MEN and apply it as such that MUCH of the world is the way it is today. (But I digress.)
If we would really know the God who created us in His image and redeemed us from the tyranny of ourselves and sin than we must first come to Him in brokenness and surrender to the reality He alone has created His universe to function with. And nowhere is that more naturally and practically applicable for us than in the institution of Marriage. If we would know him then, we must accept that wonderful and difficult reality that lies before us in marriage, and rely upon the mercy of God there to see us through it as He reveals Himself to us in it, as His tireless faithful Patient Pilgrims.
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