Self Reliance & The Cross of Christ

To the average onlooker at the time, the crucifixion of Christ must've appeared to be an epic failure. That one so obviously & outwardly powerful not to mention driven by the Spirit of God should die in such a horrific & utterly humiliating way must have appeared to them to be the heighth of utter foolishness if not the confirmation that He was no more the Son of God in reality than they were. And yet the bible portrays a completely different story. The New Testament for example teaches that it was the triumph of God on behalf of sinners that Christ should die in this way. And yet, in spite of their master's teaching & continual warnings that these things must happen in order for the covenantal promise of God to be fulfilled, the disciples went away discouraged & dismayed, nearly convinced that the enemies of Christ had actually defeated him.

This begs the question: are we any different from them? When faced with tragedy & hardship, rejection & humiliation how do we respond? As we look at the world & observe the different Inhumanities & cruelties, oppression & violence of modern society what do we see? Do we see the hand of God at work inspite of human suffering or suppose that he is hiding somewhere in Heaven? Do we really believe there is a higher purpose in tragedy or do we just say that to console our own bitter wondering soul? Do we profess to believe that Christ has overcome the world and then harbor hidden unbelief? Do we make bold professions of faith and then warm ourselves by the enemie's fire? You bet we do!

So why do we condemn the actions of the disciples? Why do we think if we had been there instead of them that the situation would've turned out any better, that we would've acted any less afraid or dismayed by the circumstances? If we are honest with ourselves, if we take a good hard look in the mirror of truth and agree with what we see there, we will admit this fact. We are just like them because we share the very same nature. Although we have been blessed by God to be sealed with His Holy Spirit we are still very much human. We neither see like God nor act like God because the truth is even though we are filled with the Spirit of God we are still not Him. And yet in spite of this obvious glaring reality we still tend to act like we are.

We make decisions like we are God and we talk to others & treat them like we are God simply because we have His Spirit. We think that because we are one with Him or sealed by His Spirit that we are free from the deception or manipulation of our greedy covetous sinful little hearts. We actually think that we can perceive & act without the distortion of sin or self to prevent us from seeing clearly or acting rightly, which it turns out is the very manifestation of the problem. We are still blinded by pride deceived by selfish ambition and manipulated by worldly desires. And it is for that reason that Paul repeatedly admonished his readers to "put off the old man with his deeds". Because he is still very much there in all of us in all of his carnal glory.

Now that's not say we are not really saved or there is not a difference between the former way we lived outside of Christ and the way we do now in Him. There is! There most certainly is. BUT that is to say we should not fool ourselves into thinking we can think or act independently of the flesh with its bodily appetites & mindsets, as though to walk in the spirit was to be entirely free from the presence of sin and death. That is simply not the case. And again Paul makes that very clear. Now the primary way that my own "old man" rears it's ugly face is the natural & incessant way I decide to rely upon myself when I am faced with a conflict or a trial.

Instead of coming before God in prayer with the intention of relying on him, I come with my list of plans and ask that he co-sign them. Instead of opening the word to hear the voice of God speak to me I come to guird myself for the day by going through the "devotion motions". That is to say my devotional time becomes a means to an end instead of an end in itself. I use it to get through the day instead of letting it get through to me (if you'll pardon the bumper sticker cliche). And before I know it I've lost sight of the the Holy Spirit. I'm beginning to lose sight of Christ and have begun the slow march away from the Father.

I begin instead to rely on my own intellect my various experiences with God or simply grace in the abstract. And I proceed with the day not even realizing that I have distanced myself from the source of my life and my strength (so very cunning is the heart of man!). And before I know it along comes a trial unexpectedly, to destroy me...or so I thought. Because the truth is behind the scenes of that trial waiting very patiently, unbeknownst to me, is the very tender very practical merciful hand of God waiting to teach me a very valuable lesson about the reality of my deceptive heart: the need for me to rely upon His grace in the gospel of Jesus Christ instead of my own intellect or devices. It is a lesson I have learned many times before, one that I am sure I will have to learn for many years to come.

You see, the truth is really this: I do not actually understand the all encompassing life long value of the cross of Christ or my need for daily salvation through it like I should. And because of that I constantly fail to rely upon its power and it's benefit like I should in every single situation...especially the worst ones. So God in his wisdom allows me to do my own thing because he knows like a good father does...I am going to hurt myself and come running sometimes screaming back to Him. Now the question I have to ask is: does it have to be this way ALL the time? And the resounding answer from scripture and from life is...yes...and yet at the same time no.

Yes we are ALL going to fail in our walk as Christians and our lives as humans A LOT. But it doesn't have to be so painful every time that we do. The more that we rely upon ourselves and our own methods, the less we rely upon God's Spirit & ignore the teaching of God's word the more it is going to hurt. And that is a fact. But it doesn't have to be that way all the time. The more that we grow in our dependence upon God, His Spirit & His word the less we will want to rely upon ourselves and our own devices, the more quickly we will suspect the deceptions of our heart and flee to the source of our life and our strength. But again the question is: How do we do that? The answer if I may be so bold as to say is as always very simple in truth but very difficult in reality.

We need to return to the life of Christ and see it for what it actually is according to the word of God. We need to recognize the profound dependence he had upon the Spirit of God in every day practice. We need to see him as more than just the example we should all appropriate on our own. We need to see him as the final product of God's work in our hearts & lives by the Spirit of God in sanctification. You see by default we all perceive him as a glorious example of what we can become with practice. But the truth is Christ in his humanity is the revelation of what God created us to be to begin with, the revelation of what God is making us into day by day in our relationship with Him, situation by situation, moment by moment, decision by decision. Think about that for just a moment. How often do we come to the life of Christ to appropriate it as an example instead of coming in order to be changed by it from the inside out by the tender hand of God in the Spirit? Be honest. For me the answer is all too often and always to my own detriment and hurt.

But that's not why the record of God's work in Christ was given to us in the gospels. We are not supposed to come to them like Pharisees appropriating their content for our own devices. We were meant to come to the life of Christ as children in humility with the hope that His humiliation & dependence might be worked in us to the point where the reality of it becomes so apparent to every person we come in contact with that they begin to glorify God and be conformed to the image of Christ with us. The salvation we experience in the Gospel was always meant to be a God ordained & God directed work on behalf of the believer. And it is no different where the sanctification of the saint is concerned.

Our sanctification like our initial salvation is rooted in the work of God on our behalf and our dependence on it. And that is where we fail..every time. You see instead of coming to the word of God (and by extension God Himself) in humility with the intention to submit & be changed, we come to use & create methods to accomplish our own personal victories. Right out of the gate we are relying on ourselves and not the Spirit of God. We see our weakness and inadequacies as something to overcome not something to drive us to the cross of Christ. And we are overcome instead, repeatedly & brutally by our own hands because we failed to see with the eyes of faith what is really going on.

We came in salvation to the cross of Christ with nothing valuable or worthy to offer. But now we come with spiritual pride like prize winning stallions to win a race for him. Sadly we have forgotten what we really are. And if you haven't then I surely have... time and time again. And time and time again I have been led by the Spirit of God to the place of remembering this simple fact: I need him. He doesnt need me. He never needed me. He wanted me. He loves me, often in spite of me. He cares about me. I have nothing to offer him, not now not ever...only me, spiritually often morally bankrupt self centered, self important arrogant me. He is everything. On my own I am nothing.

He gave everything for me in Christ. I have given him very little if anything. I doubt very much that I ever will. He chose to save me and fill me and bless me and use me and always for my own benefit. I owe him everything. He owes me nothing. So why do I rely upon myself and forget the gospel? The answer again is very simple. I am human. And he knows it. He is not mad at me. I am. He does not condemn me. I do. He paid the penalty I deserve for my sin and absorbed all my just condemnation. He loves me now. He sees me in Christ as what I will become in spite of what I am in spite of what I repeatedly do. So where do I go from here? Where do we any of us in Christ go from here when we only choose to rely upon ourselves and not the Holy Spirit?

We return again to Christ. We repent of our unbelief and our pride. We ask for the humility to see ourselves for what we are, and return to the cross of Christ to be conformed to the image of its heavenly victim. We ask for the grace to rely upon the word of God, to obey its precepts as best we can. We trust that God will lead us as He wills to, according to His nature & His timing. We remember that at some point we will fail again and have to return again to the cross of Christ. We rest in the fact that it's okay to do so, that His power is made perfect in our weakness when we do, that it's for this very reason that Christ did more than just die in our place. He also lived in our place too. He was the perfect obedient child and servant we were created to be, that we can never be on our own. And He did it all in our place too so we can be free to fail when we do, so we can get back up again and try again in the freedom that we are loved either way because of Him.

If you are like me then you can never hear this enough. You are happy to be reminded, grateful that God is not offended when we need to hear it again and repent. Brother or sister if I can leave you with one thing it's this: we were created to depend on the Living God, not rely on ourselves. We were saved by His Son's finished work so we would rely on the leading of His Holy Spirit. There is no shame in being led, no shame in being small or weak or dependent on the power of God. It is an honor to rely upon the Holy Spirit, to be a fool in the eyes of the world or even our peers. It is to the glory of God that we experience adversity and trust Him in it. To be so & do so is to fellowship with the Son of God in His own earthly travail and human trials. It is in essence to begin to be conformed to the image of the One who loved us & saved us. And that is more valuable than anything we could offer, more valuable than anything we might bring to the table.
And we would do well to remember that as His precious patient pilgrims.

Redemptive Reality in Human Suffering

Over the course of my life I have come to accept that loneliness is a part of life. It is the inevitable consequence of living in a fallen world corrupted by sin that we are going to suffer bouts of loneliness from time to time. But it's one thing to feel the temporary pang of loneliness & another thing to feel the soul crushing weight of alienation that comes from real suffering. Where the one is usually just a matter of being alive the other is the product of an ongoing trial. Where the one can feel extremely painful in the moment but soon passes the other can be utterly devastating and only seems to stay. Where time seems to heal the one, it only worsens the other. And so it goes for the human heart where loneliness is concerned.

Now up until recently I had only ever experienced the first kind of loneliness. It is only in the last few months of watching my wife suffer from cancer & chemo that I've begun to feel the weight of that other soul crushing loneliness I described before. And while I haven't resigned myself to despair just yet, I have been tempted to do so at times, even as a believer in Christ. But that's not why I'm writing this. Neither is the point to boast or make some speech about how "I pulled myself up by the spiritual boot straps" nor is it to complain about how difficult our life is now that my wife has cancer. The world is filled with those sorts of statements. I don't think it would do any good to make another. No. I have written for a different purpose entirely, one I hope will be more of a benefit to you than that.

I want to share with you an unshakable reality that has literally sustained me through the worst trial of my life. It is a reality that defies the worst kinds of loneliness alienation & suffering any trial in this life can bring, a reality that will not be silenced by or falter in any prolonged season of hardship. It is a living truth that can only benefit the believer if they are willing to accept it & base their whole lives around it. It is a revelation for every son & daughter in Christ to hold on to if they will only learn to accept it.

Now I'd be lying if I said I fully comprehend this reality myself or even appropriate it as much as I need to. That just isn't the truth. And I know it. I even suspect I’m writing this to remind myself more than anything of what I already know and need to hear. (the Holy Spirit has a funny way of speaking to me through my own mouth at times...probably because He knows that's when I'm REALLY listening). Even so I hope you'll take the time to read this. You never know…you might just need to hear it yourself.

And this is what I know. This is what I've learned over the past few months watching my wife endure her physical suffering. The heart wasn't created to endure so much pain. It wasn't created to suffer anxiety & sadness, heartache & sorrow, any more than it was created to suffer the pangs of death. All of these are the natural consequences of the curse, the product of living in a fallen world corrupted by sin. We weren't created to suffer the slings and arrows of pain & death but to have life and that more abundantly.

Death (and everything else that goes with it) is the manifestation of the curse, unnatural now to the naturally created order. But that's not to say the All-knowing All-powerful All-Wise Creator of the universe did not create us with these realities in mind. That simply isn't true either & the Bible makes that plain. Our God knew full well what we would become when He made us and created us anyway. It's not that our pain is a surprise to Him or something He must overcome to work His purpose in us. It is something that while unnatural to us still exists to bring Him glory for our incomprehensible benefit. And it is important that we see that especially if we are suffering or watching someone else we love enduring suffering.

You see if we aren't careful and we do not remember what God has revealed to us in the scripture about our suffering we can easily slip into a never ending cycle of self pity, isolation & loneliness to our further detriment & pain. That’s because it's now the natural disposition of our heart (because of sin) to go inward when we are hurting instead of reaching out to the one who can help us. And the devil knows this. He knows that we were created with an outward focus in mind (to love our God & other people...for our benefit & for theirs).

He knows that it's our natural bend now to only think of our self when we are sad, to go hopelessly & helplessly inward when we are in pain, to withdraw from everyone we know & love (even the One who loved us & saved us) to our harm. That is why he presses so hard against us in our thoughts when we are hurting. That is why he's so relentless in our pain. He knows if he can draw our attention away from those who love us & the One who saved us, he can lead us away into a never ending cycle of self-imposed torment from which we cannot escape on our own even if we try. And it is his delight to hurt us.

And He does... all the time...at least that has been my personal experience as of late. But where does that leave us? What do we do having been sucked in? How do we escape the inescapable vortex our sadness creates (and the devil exploits) in our tragedy which only causes us more pain, pushing us further into ourselves? How do we escape the inevitable dilemma of this unending cycle? The answer I have found in my own situation is really quite simple. I must return to the revelation of the Gospel of Jesus Christ in scripture & the hope that is promised to me there in it.

More specifically I must revisit the person & work of Jesus Christ on my behalf in redemption. By saturating my heart & mind with the truth of the Gospel & more importantly what Jesus suffered on my behalf, I am confronted with the reality of the love of God in Christ, the truth that because He has conquered the grave in my place even my pain has a purpose. My suffering is not in vain because it is working on my behalf to perfect in me a lasting character, the character of the One who saved me beating the devil at his own game, redirecting my focus. Let me explain.

As I begin to turn my attention away from myself & the problems I face toward the Love of God in Christ I am inevitably overcome by the reality of everything He has done for me on my behalf. I am humbled by the way He lowered himself, laying down His life for my sake. I am awed by the pain he experienced for me dying in my place so I can be free. I am grateful for the living hope I now have in Him being reconciled to the Father in His name and filled with His Spirit. Before I know it, the gospel has already begun to refocus my heart & mind on the love of God in Christ.

And the product of that change of focus is a change of heart. And I begin to see my own suffering in the light of His. I begin to feel the weight of what He did in my place instead of the weight of my pain. And I am humbled once again. So that now where all I could think about before was my own terrible circumstance now by the grace of God I begin to think of the One who saved me & the conditions he endured to redeem me. And now I'm thinking about my family & all of the people God has given me to reach out to me in our trial. And I am grateful for the love His body has lavished on us in His name.

But it doesn't just stop there. Because as soon as the revelation of the Gospel has taken root in my heart & manifested itself in my life, the Spirit of God takes me even deeper, further into the mysteries of God in Christ than I've ever been before. And now I'm thinking about our resurrected bodies, meditating on the promise of a newly restored earth, and what it will be like to worship God for all eternity in His very presence without sin or self to distract me. I realize I have nothing to give him for all of this and I am only speechless. I remember that to suffer is to fellowship with the suffering savior, to worship in suffering is an honor the angels don't get to have. And before I know it I'm humbled again by the privilege I get to share in the gospel.

Now a few things before I continue. FIRST: It is not a one-time thing, this sort of gospel redirection. It happens over a lifetime of walking with God and is no small matter of discipline & persistence. Since human pain is inevitable & constant, life hard & the heart cruel I must daily have my mind realigned to the reality of it. I must daily return and be confronted by it no matter how I feel or what I am going through at the moment.  And SECOND: There is nothing inherently wrong with feeling pain or being lonely in the midst of a trial. That is not the point of what I'm saying at all. It is no more spiritual to act like we have everything together in a trial than it is to quote bible verses like they were some kind of spiritual badge of accomplishment when we are suffering.

No the point that I am trying to make is that, where suffering is concerned, it is always best for believers in Christ to have a redemptive perspective of reality no matter what they are going through. And since we do not naturally have this perspective (because of sin & self) we must constantly seek to be confronted by it daily until it finally begins to sink in and change the way we think. And if anyone other than Christ understood that it was the Apostle Paul himself. And His writings only prove it.

Consider the fact that he always began his letters with the gospel indicative (what God has already done for us & still doing in Christ) before he moved on to the central imperative (what our lives should look like if we really believe it). Perhaps that's even why he chose to answer the carnal challenges of the Corinthian church by redirecting their attention to the eternal perspective. Instead of gloating over some superficial spiritual work he had accomplished on his own he chose to share the testimony of his own humiliation & suffering with them and the lesson God gave to him in it. What better way to silence the carnal accusations of the flesh than to repeat the words of Christ to Him by the Spirit?

What better way to pull US out of our selves, to ground us in the gospel & deliver us from Satan in our own trials than to hear the words of Christ to Paul in his own suffering? (I am humbled as I write this, because even now I am reminded why I started writing in the first place. I need to hear this. Oh how I need to hear this...every single day & in every single way as often as I can! I need to hear this).

"[God's] grace is sufficient (for me). [His] power is made perfect in [my] weakness." -2 Cor. 12:9

In my loneliness & tiredness when I am doubting & afraid, when the woman I love more than life itself begins to grow weak & lose her hair from the chemo, when my children begin to fuss because I cannot give them all of me every moment of the day, when I feel alone, like no one understands me or feel like a hollow empty shell, His grace is always sufficient for me. Always. Sufficient. For me.

Like the Corinthian church I need to hear this, to be confronted with the reality of it daily especially in my difficulty. I need to be confronted with the single truth that any suffering I might experience in this life cannot be compared with the suffering the Son of God endured in my place. I need to be reminded that there is no greater love than the love He poured out for me in His suffering. I need to remember that the love of God extends beyond my initial salvation & provides me a living hope that will pull me out of my sadness, if I am only willing to believe it.

I need to be saturated with Jesus, who He is and what He gave for me. And if you are anything like me then you must need that too. And I haven't just written for me today. And you haven't read this in vain.

Saints of God please listen to me. If we are willing to see it for what it is in the light of our Redemption, our suffering is really the blessing of God to break us, to remake us & renew us, to change us & to grow us, to ground us & to free us, to ultimately reveal to us the glorious inheritance God has given us, His patient pilgrims through the Gospel of our salvation in Christ Jesus which is only for our benefit. And that is a reality that will sustain us if we are only willing to believe it.

Rivers and Ravens in Desolate Places

I would be lying to you if I said that I was strong enough or wise enough all of the time to not be bitter when those I thought I could rely on to be there for my wife and I in this difficult situation fail to do so. I am admittedly an idealist and as such sinfully and quite irrationally expect from others what I more than likely could never or would never do for them, myself. I am not in anyway proud of that nor content to be so. It is just the reality of who I am at this moment. (You are welcome to pray for me if you feel so inclined).

BUT- God in His never-changing always faithful in-spite-of-us way continues to provide everything we need  in spite of the reality of who we are or those we are privileged to call our friends. In fact He continues to do one better. He continues to speak to both of us and bless us in our daily needs through other unexpected sources and saints. And that is actually the point of my writing this.

You see it turns out that far from being intentionally thoughtless or unconcerned (as it tends to feel for me at times) many of our friends are simply human and busy or just overwhelmed and unsure of what to do or how to help. And given that it is an incredible & unexpectedly difficult situation that I find myself in, they are really justified in being and doing so. And I need to give them that space to do and be so as they are led and trust that God Himself will supply all of our needs for meaningful spiritual & emotional connections not to mention the other very practical financial needs we have as a family.

There really is no reason in the long run why I should be so offended and hurt by the absence of certain friends or financial provisions. Would I respond any differently were I in their shoes? Have I in the past? Probably not. But more importantly is it really their fault anyways? And who am I to judge anyway? I am no one of any particular importance or prestige...just another dependent human being cleaving to the grace of God, waiting for His power and his love to see me through. 

But here is the other thing that I am beginning to see in all of this: there is a very important and meaningful even providential reason why those I wanted to rely upon are absent. They were never meant to be my help through all of this to begin with...at least not all of the time or in the way I expect. God did not lead my wife and I to this valley to deepen our dependence on ourselves or other people. But rather He led us here to deepen our dependence on Him, to deepen our dependence on His Spirit, His sacrifice His provision and His love. And it is only my selfish disposition, sense of entitlement and lying heart that prevents me from seeing that in the moment. 

The truth is like Elijah (thank you Lance), Cindy & I have been led here, to demonstrate for the watching world the ALL-sufficiency of Christ. God did not lead us here to rely upon methods and men, to give praise to them or show how great they are. He led us here to flex His own omnipotent muscle as our Provider and Healer as our guardian and Shepherd, to show the might in his little pinky (I mean metaphorically of course...you theologians who are reading this) both to those who know us and those who don't. 

He led us to this cancerous wilderness to feed us with unexpected ravens and natural rivers: to bless us with the love of people we've never met before, to provide through ministries we did not know existed before, to stretch our faith to the breaking point and expand our understanding of His unsearchable unquenchable love so we can know Him more completely and glorify Him more openly. 

And when I think of it that way I feel rather blessed for the silent moments late at night when Cindy has gone to bed or when my phone fails to ring or a friend chooses not to drop by. I feel privileged to cry in my truck to a worship song on my way to work when no is looking. I feel honored to have to wait and wonder how God will provide for our next meal or take care of the impending bills that don't seem to ever go away. 

Anyways who am I to think that this hardship is not a blessing from God when it so clearly is? Who am I to feel unloved by an absent friend, a silent phone or a lonely evening? Am I really so different were I to watch from the outside? Why should I give in to my emotions when The Lord is so obviously present and near? I am a child that's who, simple desperate and lonely, sure, but also a child none the less who can only ever benefit from trusting in his fathers providential tender loving care. Are we not all, who call upon His name?

I pray that as you read this you are touched by God's Holy Spirit, that you will pray with me to ask for the courage to wait for the ravens and be content with the rivers no matter how dirty they appear, because one thing is true whether we admit it or not. If God has led you to the wilderness (as he has my wife and I) then know for certain that they are there. We just have to have the courage to ask for the eyes to see them and a heart to receive them. Lord bless you as you as you read this or pray for our family in this season. We feel privileged to know you (if we do) and share with you(if we don't). I pray this word has touched your life or will touch your life in the future as God has chosen to use it to touch mine. 

Chris

The Presence of Death and Life in Mortal Sickness.

 I am beginning to realize that even in sickness there is a certain presence of death which permeates the air of the room that sickness is in, even if the person infected is not necessarily going to die as a result of the sickness. After all any sickness is really just a symptom of the curse, an abnormality of creation, the result of a degenerating and broken world.  And although the Creator has sent his son into the world to redeem it, it is none the less still destined to be destroyed as a result of the curse. In fact it is in that very promise that we place our hope in as believers.  We are waiting for the restoration of all things. And in order for that restoration to be completed death must first fulfill its purpose and put an end to everything that is in subjection to it, including our fallen mortal bodies. As I sit here on the couch beside my wife on the eve of her first chemo treatment, I am overwhelmed by that reality.

I am overwhelmed by the simple reality that even though suffering is difficult and sickness painful, if we are a believer in Christ then it is none the less working toward our blessing. That is because it is also working to destroy that which has already been destined for destruction anyways so that we can experience everlasting life free from that very sickness and death which all of our life has haunted us. In other words far from being the source of our fear, death has become the instrument of our hope. For, when Christ by the power of the Spirit, had overcame the grave He was granted the power to release as many as He wills from its grasp as well. So that death is now turned in on itself. Far from ending us it is now the instrument of our salvation.

This was the conviction of Paul the Apostle and it undeniably permeates his writing. He understood as I am only now beginning to understand, in my spiritual adolescence as a believer, that death far from being the end of life is actually the inauguration of it, in Christ. So death is not really just death for the believer but the death of death. And that death of death is really life everlasting for the person who believes in Christ and has been set free from the power of sin and death through His sacrifice. So sickness far from being the despairing reality that my flesh would have me to believe that it is is really just a road marker on the long narrow difficult path to my hard won future life.

Now that in no way takes away the pain of the actual experience. And it in no way takes away from the awful reality that I must shortly watch my precious wife suffer through her first two weeks of chemo therapy. It doesn't make it any easier to shoulder the burden of caring for our family.  And it certainly doesn't make the loneliness of our journey any less so. But it does give my wife and I a certifiable hope that we can hold on to, a secure and lasting anchor that we can rest in together. And I am thankful for that.

I am thankful that in addition to forgiving my sins, giving me a wife and a family to love and be loved by, that the God of all creation has also provided me a sure and lasting future hope to hold on to in the here and the now. I am thankful that in addition to that hope He has also surrounded me with other saints who are holding on to the same unchangeable hope who are willing to remind my wife and I of that hope as often as we have need. I am thankful that in spite of my selfishness and sinfulness (also the product of death…another topic for another time…) or my wife’s (she’s still a sinner saved by grace) God is none the less still working out these terribly difficult circumstances for not only our own individual good but also the corporate good of His entire body.  

These are my thoughts the night before treatment number one. If you think of my wife and I please continue to keep us in your prayers. For while we both know the truths I have written about here and hold on to them like a child to their father’s leg, we are still only human and easily subject to the turbulence of our own every changing emotions not to mention the physical realities of my wife’s sickness. May the Lord keep you and ground your hearts and minds in the future Hope that Christ has affected on our behalf, his faithful patient pilgrims. 

Be a man! (But what does that actually look like?)

"When David's time to die drew near, he commanded Solomon his son, saying,

'I am about to go the way of all the earth. Be strong, and show yourself a man,

and keep the charge of the LORD your God, walking in his ways and keeping his statutes, his commandments, his rules, and his testimonies, as it is written in the Law of Moses, that you may prosper in all that you do and wherever you turn...'" -Kings 2:1-3

The world says "be a man" but what does that actually mean? If I were to sum up for myself what I believe the world is saying to me as a man it is this: "Live for yourself. Think only of your own needs. Sacrifice everyone & everything to get what you want. Be the most important person in the room. Get all of the attention and praise you can for being you. In other words, be a child." But the words of King David to his newly appointed heir stand in complete opposition to this. They are poignant heart felt words, filled with all the heartbreak and wisdom of a man who truly knew what it meant to be a man for better and for worse.

David tells his son to show himself a man and then goes on to explain exactly what he means. He tells him to be strong, to keep the charge of the LORD, to walk in HIS ways, to keep HIS statutes, HIS commandments, HIS rules and testimonies. And then He tells him why: So he will prosper in everything that he does and everywhere he goes. SO to recap: The world says live for yourself. David tells his son to live for God. The world says make your own rules, do what you want, be your own boss make a name for yourself by being the most important person you can be. David says, submit to the laws statutes rules and commandments of God and you will prosper.

These two world views could not be more different from each other. And I am humbled by that very obvious reality. For while I daily strive to follow the instruction of scripture to be a man (like David) I live in a world that defines being man as being a child. And while I strive to daily rely on the strength of God in every circumstance I live in a world that says be the strongest I can be at any cost. And I guess the point that I am trying to make is this. If I want to be a real man then I need to recognize what a man actually is. I need to surround myself with men who value being a real man. I need to saturate my mind with examples of real men. And as cliche as it may sound in this post modern age "real men follow Jesus". I'll take it even a step further.

Real men are saturated with, dependent on, fulfilled by and confident in Jesus Christ: His ministry, his person and his sacrifice. In other words real men submit...to God...no matter what. And this submission is practical, it is consistent, personal and active. We don't typically think of submission when we think of being a man. We think of others submitting to us and not the other way around. A common argument in marriage often revolves around the idea of a wife not submitting to her husband or a husband not loving her as Christ does. But the truth that Paul repeatedly conveys in his epistles is the reality that to love is to submit...to God. It is to rely on Him for our needs as a man. It is to sacrifice for the benefit of another at the cost of ourselves..speaking as a man.

And I guess the reason I am writing this is because God in His providential leading has led me to the place of having to take care of our family on my own (with certain help from others when they are available). With my wife Cindy being diagnosed with Stage 4 Hodgkin Lymphoma and beginning Chemo in the next few days or so I have been put in the unusual position of having to rely on the Lord as a man in ways I have never had to before. And it is correcting me in ways I didn't know I needed to be before. It is redirecting my mind and my heart away from the worldly influences I did not previously realize my actions were being influenced by. It is showing me things about myself I never knew I needed to know. It is instilling in me the reality that weakness is not the disability I always thought it was, or the detriment the world says it is. And I guess I just needed to communicate that to someone else. Who knows maybe there's someone out there reading this who needs to hear it. I know I do.

Now you may ask, what does this have to do with David's words to Solomon. And the short answer is this. Standing on the cusp of death David understood the singular reality that in order to be a truly strong man and by extension a good & strong king, he needed to be a man who could take orders from his King, the true King of Israel, the true captain of his soul, the real commander of his being. You see if you or I desire to be strong in this life we must first learn to be weak and dependent, frail and incapable no matter what the world tells us. We must learn to be served by God in the gospel, to accept his help and his care, his instruction his power and His provision if we are to properly love others, serve others and care for them. If we are to lead we must first be led. If we are to be men (and women) of God we must choose to do what the First Adam failed to do and follow the example of Christ and do what He succeed in doing , in the power of His Holy Spirit. We must submit to the word of God, and not just the parts of the Bible we like either. We must be led by the Holy Spirit and submit to the full counsel of God's Word. We must submit one to another in the fear of the Lord because that is what it means to walk by faith and that is what it means to walk with God to rely on Him for your every need. That is what it means to be a christian.

But no one not even myself can do any of this on our own without first visiting and revisiting the gospel of Jesus Christ on a daily basis and the reality of what He did for us in our place. To be truly strong we must first be truly weak. To be truly weak we must see ourselves for who we really are. That is why we need the gospel. In that moment when David was confronted by Nathan for his sin with Bathsheba he was inevitably confronted with the reality of who he really was as a man and his need for God. He finally saw the truth and it broke him utterly and completely. Some might even say he never really fully recovered from it. But just the same in that moment he also saw and was confronted with the God of grace and mercy. And you might say he never really fully recovered from that either.

I cannot help but think that these two realities (the reality of David's sinful mortality and the reality of God's abundant grace were both present in David's thoughts in that moment when he spoke to the son of his forbidden wife Bathsheba. I cannot help but think that he trembled a little inside as he recalled his own failings and the mercy of God as he exhorted the son of the woman he took from Uriah. And it is that thought even now that humbles me and ministers to me as I write this. Who am I to receive the commandments of God? Who am I to receive the Gospel of His beloved son? Who am I to receive the the awesome privilege of caring for the needs of our family, of sitting beside my precious wife as she begins her chemo? Who am I that God would allow such an extraordinary opportunity to show Himself strong on our behalf? It is too much to bear if I think about it too long. But here we are.

And the one thing that is sustaining me right now are those simple words from that experienced dying father to his young inexperienced son: "Show yourself a man". Oh how I want to. And I am sure you do as well (if you are a man reading this or even a woman). But I know even if I don't, even if I utterly fail to do what David is saying to do (and I will at some point) there is one who has not failed. And He never will. He has gone before me on my behalf to do what I could never do for myself, in spite of me. And it is He who urges me on even now to forget the failings of my past, to move forward in His strength in faith that He is who He says He is. It is he who gives me the strength in this adversity to carry on.

Precious saints of God (or whoever is reading this) will you come with me in prayer and in daily practice to that everlasting living final Davidic King and hear the words of His Spirit as he speaks to us through His servant David in the scriptures, "Be strong, and show yourself a man (a woman or a child),and keep the charge of the LORD your God, walking in his ways and keeping his statutes, his commandments, his rules, and his testimonies, as it is written in the Law of Moses, that you may prosper in all that you do and wherever you turn..."? Let's choose to walk together as joyful submissive patient pilgrims and actively trust in the power and wisdom of the One who went before us, who speaks to us daily to be strong in His might no matter what that looks like. Let's show the world what it really means to be a man or a woman in this world by submitting to the One who gave us His very life. 

The Goodness of God in Adversity

I think if we're really honest with ourselves we'll admit that we only think of the attributes of God in terms of the abstract. We affirm the reality & nature of their existence but don't really see how they touch the sphere of our ordinary lives. That is why our prayers are so often characterized by anxiety worry or grief. We strain our voices tighten our eyes and clutch our hands together in the earnest hope that we will actually be heard, that God is really listening to us and cares about our needs. We believe that if we pray a certain way with a certain sincerity he will answer our prayers and if we don't then he simply will not. For while we believe that God is who he says he is in scripture and even sing songs in church in accordance with that belief, too often our lives fall short in practice of the reality we have professed. That's because it is so much easier to profess a thing than it is to actually live it out in practice.

While it would be so much easier if we could all just instantaneously understand and accept the plan and purposes of God in our current fallen state, that is not how we work as human beings. In order to really understand something & accept it we have to also experience something in relation to it in the sphere of our ordinary lives. That is not to say that our subjective experiences should be the sole validation of reality or can substitute for the instruction of Gods revelation in scripture, only that the Creator of the universe has given us certain human faculties which He has chosen in His wisdom to work in and through for our benefit and the benefit of others. And I think I am just now beginning to understanding that.

I think I am beginning to understand that God uses our individual trials & suffering to affirm to us in daily experience what He has revealed to us about Himself in Scripture through the revelation of His Son. I think I'm beginning to see that these unthinkable difficulties exist to ground our hearts & minds in the reality that God is exactly who He says He is in His word, that Christ did not speak or work in vain, that He is in fact the Son of God in power, that the Apostles were in fact led by the Spirit of God, that the salvation we now experience today in the Gospel of Jesus Christ is the continuing work of God in redemption for everyone who believes, and all of this in spite of what I perceive. 

I think I am beginning to understand perhaps for the first time in my life, that these individual trials like the one that has so unexpectedly beset my family of late, which is daily taking the life of the woman I love before my very eyes, is in fact so much more than just the natural consequences of the fall (although it is certainly that too). It is much more than just the natural deterioration of my wife's body or the natural effects of entropy over time. It is much more than anything I could ever think or imagine. It is in spite of all other appearances a divine confrontation between my wife, myself our family and our friends and the One who made us and subjected us to the weakness of this planet for his own transcendent purposes. It is a divine opportunity to grow in our perception of and dependence on the goodness wisdom & mercy of our God, an opportunity to mature in the way we worship Him & trust His leading, not to mention the way we treat other people. 

And while I know that this recent revelation will not necessarily ease the pain or suffering of watching my precious wife deteriorate in her health or make the trial go away altogether, I know that it is the reality none the less and a beautiful one at that. For above all else this trial and with it the revelation of its special purpose carries with it the divine opportunity to fellowship with the Son of God in His own earthly suffering and glory here on earth, to deepen my perception of reality and the One who created it. And that in and of itself is a glorious thing. For as there is no suffering in eternity either in heaven or in the newly restored future planet earth this is the only place that we may worship and fellowship in it. This is the only place we may deepen through it. That is why I have chosen to share it with you my dear friend whoever you are that would read this, so that you too might benefit from it and so prosper and deepen in your own trials and difficulties as faithful patient pilgrims.