BUT- God in His never-changing always faithful in-spite-of-us way continues to provide everything we need in spite of the reality of who we are or those we are privileged to call our friends. In fact He continues to do one better. He continues to speak to both of us and bless us in our daily needs through other unexpected sources and saints. And that is actually the point of my writing this.
You see it turns out that far from being intentionally thoughtless or unconcerned (as it tends to feel for me at times) many of our friends are simply human and busy or just overwhelmed and unsure of what to do or how to help. And given that it is an incredible & unexpectedly difficult situation that I find myself in, they are really justified in being and doing so. And I need to give them that space to do and be so as they are led and trust that God Himself will supply all of our needs for meaningful spiritual & emotional connections not to mention the other very practical financial needs we have as a family.
There really is no reason in the long run why I should be so offended and hurt by the absence of certain friends or financial provisions. Would I respond any differently were I in their shoes? Have I in the past? Probably not. But more importantly is it really their fault anyways? And who am I to judge anyway? I am no one of any particular importance or prestige...just another dependent human being cleaving to the grace of God, waiting for His power and his love to see me through.
But here is the other thing that I am beginning to see in all of this: there is a very important and meaningful even providential reason why those I wanted to rely upon are absent. They were never meant to be my help through all of this to begin with...at least not all of the time or in the way I expect. God did not lead my wife and I to this valley to deepen our dependence on ourselves or other people. But rather He led us here to deepen our dependence on Him, to deepen our dependence on His Spirit, His sacrifice His provision and His love. And it is only my selfish disposition, sense of entitlement and lying heart that prevents me from seeing that in the moment.
The truth is like Elijah (thank you Lance), Cindy & I have been led here, to demonstrate for the watching world the ALL-sufficiency of Christ. God did not lead us here to rely upon methods and men, to give praise to them or show how great they are. He led us here to flex His own omnipotent muscle as our Provider and Healer as our guardian and Shepherd, to show the might in his little pinky (I mean metaphorically of course...you theologians who are reading this) both to those who know us and those who don't.
He led us to this cancerous wilderness to feed us with unexpected ravens and natural rivers: to bless us with the love of people we've never met before, to provide through ministries we did not know existed before, to stretch our faith to the breaking point and expand our understanding of His unsearchable unquenchable love so we can know Him more completely and glorify Him more openly.
And when I think of it that way I feel rather blessed for the silent moments late at night when Cindy has gone to bed or when my phone fails to ring or a friend chooses not to drop by. I feel privileged to cry in my truck to a worship song on my way to work when no is looking. I feel honored to have to wait and wonder how God will provide for our next meal or take care of the impending bills that don't seem to ever go away.
Anyways who am I to think that this hardship is not a blessing from God when it so clearly is? Who am I to feel unloved by an absent friend, a silent phone or a lonely evening? Am I really so different were I to watch from the outside? Why should I give in to my emotions when The Lord is so obviously present and near? I am a child that's who, simple desperate and lonely, sure, but also a child none the less who can only ever benefit from trusting in his fathers providential tender loving care. Are we not all, who call upon His name?
I pray that as you read this you are touched by God's Holy Spirit, that you will pray with me to ask for the courage to wait for the ravens and be content with the rivers no matter how dirty they appear, because one thing is true whether we admit it or not. If God has led you to the wilderness (as he has my wife and I) then know for certain that they are there. We just have to have the courage to ask for the eyes to see them and a heart to receive them. Lord bless you as you as you read this or pray for our family in this season. We feel privileged to know you (if we do) and share with you(if we don't). I pray this word has touched your life or will touch your life in the future as God has chosen to use it to touch mine.
Chris
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